Allison Holker is opening up about a major discovery she made about her late husband, Stephen “tWitch” Boss, just weeks after his death.

A few weeks after Boss died by suicide at age 40 in December 2022, Holker discovered what she described as a “cornucopia” of drugs, including mushrooms, pills and “other substances I had to look up on my phone,” hidden inside of the shoeboxes in his closet.

“I was with one of my really dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out an outfit for him for the funeral,” Holker told People for a recent cover story. “It was a really triggering moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I did not know existed. It was very alarming to me to learn that there was so much happening that I had no clue [about].”

Holker said it was incredibly scary to make this discovery, but it also “helped me process that he was going through so much and he was hiding so much, and there must have been a lot of shame in that.”

While Holker said she believed she and her husband had honest communication with each other, through reading his journals in hopes of finding clarity, she learned he hid many painful secrets, even from the people closest to him.

“He was wrestling with a lot inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and cope with all those feelings because he didn’t want to put it on anyone because he loved everyone so much,” Holker said of Boss, who alluded to being sexually abused as a child in multiple journal entries. “He didn’t want other people to take on his pain.”

Holker is releasing a memoir, titled This Far, on Feb. 4. The book details her journey of healing after the death of her husband, discussing her “story of love, loss, and embracing the light,” according to its subtitle.

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