Lorde has shared that she’s “living with heartbreak again” in a letter sent to her fans.

The letter, which was posted to the Lorde’s Email Archive Tumblr page, finds the “Royals” artist being very open and blunt regarding her current physical and emotional state, noting she “ache[s] all the time” and her “body is really inflamed.”

“It’s trying to tell me something and I’m trying to support it but nothing seems to help and I get frustrated,” Lorde writes. “My gut isn’t working properly, my skin is worse than ever, I’ve gotten sick half a dozen times.”

Lorde adds that she’s been more focused on “listening to my body” lately, which “has made me fully aware of all the times I ignored it or didn’t give it what it needed, shamed it for a fight or flight response, took a handful of pills and pushed through.”

“The little yellow pill I took every morning for thousands of mornings since I was 15, I stopped taking it 5 days ago,” she writes. “Gonna see how it goes.”

Elsewhere in the letter, Lorde shares that “Earlier this year, I ate two handfuls of mushrooms,” which, among other things, helped her realize “that my body is completely magnificent, and that hating it is as futile as hating a tree.”

“I know I’m gonna look back on this year with fondness and a bit of awe, knowing it was the year that locked everything into place,” she writes. “The year that transitioned me from my childhood working decade to the one that comes next — one that even through all this, I’m so excited for. It’s just hard when you’re in it.”

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